AP Photo/Chris Pizzello

*UPDATE: The Miley Cyrus campaign has been removed from the One Million Moms website. Thankfully, the Interweb is a magical place and someone was wise enough to take a screen capture. If you’d like to see the campaign that inspired this post and made me want to hulksmash things, please click here.

Confession: I am not a mom. But for the record, I have a mom, am friends with moms, and intend to one day be a mom. Please keep this in mind, because I’m about to snark a lot of moms. One million, actually...

Some quick background on me, for context: Growing up, I was lucky enough to be raised by people who actually practiced the old “love your neighbour” line. Ultra-liberal, incredibly supportive, march-to-the-beat-of-your-own-drum kind of people. Which was wonderful, but also made going into the Big Bad World a bit of a shock. It took me a long time to wrap my head around the fact that people could actually hate each other over something like sexual orientation. I mean, seriously? You’re going to hate someone for being attracted to another person because they happen to be the same sex? You’re going to hate two people for being in love? For wanting to commit to each other? For wanting to start a family? But… why?

I don’t get homonegativity, I’ve never understood it, and to be honest, it just makes me angry and disappointed in humanity (which is no small feat for a hopeless optimist).

So when it comes to my attention that a Christian group in the US is targeting Miley Cyrus (who identifies as a Christian, fyi) for making pro-gay statements on Twitter like “I am a Christian and I love you—gay or not—because you are no different than anyone else! We are all God’s children,” I get a little riled up. Okay, a lot riled up. I get ranty. Especially because the group is made up of moms.

Yes, One Million Moms—a “special project” of the American Family Association—apparently hates Miley Cyrus and her evil messages of love and acceptance so much, that they’ve started a letter writing campaign. Now you, too, can let this poor, misguided teen icon know that the positive comments she directed at fellow human beings on the Interweb are “shocking and heartbreaking,” not to mention “not Biblically correct,” and that she needs to STFU before her soul burns in hell and crazy people picket her funeral. (Okay, I’m paraphrasing that last bit, but trust me, the letter is just plain ridiculous.)

It’s not just Miley, though. One Million Moms (and Dads!) is also “taking action” against companies like Quiznos and Campbell’s Soup. That’s right. Soup. I kid you not. Here’s why:

For example, Campbell Soup Company bought two, two-page advertisements in three of the past four issues of the nation’s largest homosexual magazine, The Advocate. In one of the ads, Campbell Soup Company featured two lesbians and their son. According to the company’s website, the lesbians are married. Not only did such ads cost Campbell’s a lot of money, they also sent a message that homosexual parents constitute a family.

I’m sorry, let’s rewind the tape for a minute…homosexual parents with children don’t constitute a family? And you’re serious? I think I may have just had a small stroke. (And as a side note, can someone PLEASE make me a “Soup is Gay” t-shirt to wear to Pride? Thanks.)

As someone who will one day be a mother and be responsible for shaping a little growing mind, I understand wanting to protect your kids from harmful images and advertising, I do. But to boycott entertainers and companies because they support same-sex couples? It’s way off base. Rally against drugs and violence and sexualized advertising (Axe, I’m looking at you), absolutely. But don’t teach your kids to be ignorant and fearful. Because if this kind of intolerant thinking keeps being passed from generation to generation, how will we ever live in a peaceful world?

Parents, non-parents, cat-parents, let’s hear it… What do you think of One Million Moms?

Now, I mean “fan” in the sense that I really enjoy his music and own every CD he’s released to date. I’m not lurking in the bushes outside his house, or hoping that he’ll let me have his baby. That falls under the category of “stalker of biblical proportions.” Plus, it’s just plain creepy. So take note, the Mayer Love is rooted firmly in music. The fact that I find him to be an attractive man is really just a bonus…

While I love that so many people have been turned on to his music, to be honest, I think I preferred the days when John Mayer was not yet a household name. Back when he was just doing his thing and putting out albums, and no one paid much attention to his personal life. When he was making more music than headlines. Those were the days.

I know that all celebs fall into the paparazzi trap sooner or later, but I’m getting a bit tired of reading “John Mayer is a player” and “John Mayer is a d-bag” on every magazine cover and website I come across these days. Whatever happened to “John Mayer is a great musician,” or “John Mayer just put out a killer new album“? Maybe he’s just too big now. Bigger than your body, indeed, John.

By now, everyone knows that John Mayer is dating Jennifer Aniston. I’m sure if you stumbled upon that newly discovered tribe in the Amazon, they’d know. And it’s turned into a bit of a circus, really. But not the good kind of circus with clowns and acrobats and deliciously cheap bags of popcorn. It’s the ugly, Hollywood kind of circus that makes you wish you’d never hear a person’s name again for a very, very long time. (Case in point: whatever happened to Dakota Fanning? Yeah. I don’t know, either. That’s The Circus.)

Seriously though, can’t two people just date each other and be happy without ending up on the cover of every gossip mag there is? Apparently not. And just when I thought the stories couldn’t get any more a) inappropriate and b) ridiculous, along comes the new issue of OK! Magazine with the story of the year… Jennifer and John are getting married. In the fall. In a charming backyard ceremony. And somehow, the good people at OK! Magazine are in the loop on all the details.

In fact, I bet they’re the only people in the loop on the details.

I believe it may be time for OK! to re-think their definition of the words “World Exclusive.” Because really, when you fabricate a story and spread it around via the cover of your glossy mag, it’s not so much a “world exclusive,” as it is you being the only publication with the story, because no one else knows about it, because you made the entire thing up yourselves. (But hey, I could be wrong about this one. If so, I will gladly be the first to purchase a brand new, 10-speed, high-performance blender for the happy couple. In a colour of their choosing. I’d go with stainless steel, but that’s just me.)

Either way, I will likely never understand what motivates people to buy celebrity magazines or take delight in the drama of the rich and famous. All I really want to know when the next album is coming out. Because that’s what being a fan is all about.

Seriously. Bumper cars. Dri Weave. I couldn’t make this up even if I tried…

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think that Always products are pretty darn great (and Tampax, too, since I’m over-sharing). It’s just their marketing that I’ve never really understood… Particularly the whole “Have a happy period” slogan. Are you freaking kidding me? A happy period? It’s more like, “Have a non-homicidal period, and we’ll give you a big bag of Double Stuf Oreos.” Now THAT is some effective marketing right there.

But advertising for feminine products just isn’t like that, is it? Instead, we have to endure the happy, smiling faces of women who I’m convinced don’t even GET their periods. Which leaves me with one burning question: Who comes up with the advertising concepts for these things, anyway? I’d like to tell them that their dream of women in white pants, doing cartwheels through a field of daisies, is about as realistic as David Suzuki speeding down the Trans-Canada Highway in a Hummer, tossing baby seals out his rear window.

(And don’t even get me started on their web site. “Hey! You’re in pain and your face is breaking out! Want to make a Zen Garden? Iron images of cupcakes onto your Granny Panties? Come on! It’ll be fun!”)

No, when we get our periods, the majority of us are NOT having a grand old time. We’re clad in sweat pants and throwback t-shirts from the 80s, wanting nothing more than to chow down on the world’s biggest chocolate bar, and chase it with a good dose of salt from McDonalds. We’re bloated, we’re crampy, and there’s nothing happy about it. In fact, the only reason we’d even consider doing a cartwheel is from the sheer joy that once again, those of us who don’t wish to be pregnant have succeeded in our quest for a childless existence.

Perhaps one day Always will come out of their Candy Land-haze and come up with a catchy, more realistic slogan… Like “Always. We’re happy you’re not pregnant, too…”

Hey, a girl can dream.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a date with some sweat pants and a bag of M&Ms.