So, I’m flicking through TV channels today, taking one of my (somewhat infamous) procrastination breaks, when I’m confronted with an image of bumper cars riding around in an Always Dri Weave.

Seriously. Bumper cars. Dri Weave. I couldn’t make this up even if I tried…

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think that Always products are pretty darn great (and Tampax, too, since I’m over-sharing). It’s just their marketing that I’ve never really understood… Particularly the whole “Have a happy period” slogan. Are you freaking kidding me? A happy period? It’s more like, “Have a non-homicidal period, and we’ll give you a big bag of Double Stuf Oreos.” Now THAT is some effective marketing right there.

But advertising for feminine products just isn’t like that, is it? Instead, we have to endure the happy, smiling faces of women who I’m convinced don’t even GET their periods. Which leaves me with one burning question: Who comes up with the advertising concepts for these things, anyway? I’d like to tell them that their dream of women in white pants, doing cartwheels through a field of daisies, is about as realistic as David Suzuki speeding down the Trans-Canada Highway in a Hummer, tossing baby seals out his rear window.

(And don’t even get me started on their web site. “Hey! You’re in pain and your face is breaking out! Want to make a Zen Garden? Iron images of cupcakes onto your Granny Panties? Come on! It’ll be fun!”)

No, when we get our periods, the majority of us are NOT having a grand old time. We’re clad in sweat pants and throwback t-shirts from the 80s, wanting nothing more than to chow down on the world’s biggest chocolate bar, and chase it with a good dose of salt from McDonalds. We’re bloated, we’re crampy, and there’s nothing happy about it. In fact, the only reason we’d even consider doing a cartwheel is from the sheer joy that once again, those of us who don’t wish to be pregnant have succeeded in our quest for a childless existence.

Perhaps one day Always will come out of their Candy Land-haze and come up with a catchy, more realistic slogan… Like “Always. We’re happy you’re not pregnant, too…”

Hey, a girl can dream.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a date with some sweat pants and a bag of M&Ms.